Horoscope Irony

I don't really base my life off of horoscopes so much as Sex and the City episodes, but when I was looking at my horoscope for today, I noticed something interesting. This is what it says:

"Your Wellness Scope - Today, January 10, 2009
You sometimes deal with emotional turmoil by keeping it very much under wraps, and not really letting others see what you are feeling. It's like you are afraid things will only get worse if you let other people know how you really are right now. This approach stems from your survival instinct, and can sometimes cause you unnecessary suffering. To circumvent this tendency, go for a workout when you are feeling blue. If you still feel blue afterwards, go ahead and spill your guts to a friend."

Weird, right? Cuz' I'm not much of a talker or anything... Whatever! I talk all the time. I like... overuse my verbal capabilities. Seriously. So how the hell could this horoscope be true?

But then it made me think... Ok, so I vent when I'm angry or frustrated sometimes. I will call Mom or Dad to tell them I cried because my cramps were unbearable. But when it really comes down to someone asking "Lauren, how are you?", I don't answer truthfully. I never really say what's going on with me emotionally. Most of the time, I avoid it and say "I'm fine" and then turn the attention to someone or something else.

** Just as a side note: I don't think there are very many people who ask "how are you" and actual want the truthful answer anyway. **

I've realized that I don't like to get in touch with my feelings all too much. I mean... I'm an emotional person. I get flustered easily, I can get really pissed off at times, but when it comes to being sad or worried, I won't talk about it.

Vulnerability is an issue for me. I HATE being vulnerable. I HATE putting myself out there. I dunno if it's because of past relationships and friendships or whatever, but like... I have a hard time talking about things that leave me thinking at the end of the day. Even when I spoke to psychologists, it took me a few sessions to really open up. It's difficult for me. I guess I just don't want someone to look at me and think they've got me all figured out. I don't want to feel naked and bare because if I truly let someone know how I really feel about something, to me, it's more than letting them know... it's letting them IN. Yeah, doesn't sound too appetizing.

I think that's why I write so much - in my journal at least. My book doesn't judge me, nor does it talk back and it certainly doesn't make me feel naked. But I've decided that I'm going to work on opening up a bit, especially with this new relationship of mine. I don't want to be scared to let people in just because I feel as if I've been burned by a few flames in the past. I want to feel complete happiness and be in tune with my emotions; I want to own my feelings and nip them in the ass if I have to.

With all that being said, I've declared to not gunnysack anymore. I don't wanna keep things inside to let them build and build and build until they explode. Since I'm going to try to be more open, I'm going to tackle issues head-on with people and/or things I might have issues with... keep in mind that I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff.

We'll see where this all leads. Hopefully I won't be so afraid to open up anymore. I just know I don't wanna get hurt... I hate that feeling.