It's Whatever.

 I woke up this morning with an urge to write, but I don't know what to write about. It's just one of those things, I guess. Actually... scratch that. There is something on my mind. Home. I'm not talking about home back in Coto, I'm talking about Arizona. With recent waning friendships, with more of a desire to be in Arizona than California right now, with work, with school... I'm starting to realize that my home is Arizona. My life is out here now. 

With these friendships of mine... I don't even know what to say. I don't know what I did, I don't know if they feel I have neglected them, or if it really is just that... friends distancing because of the physical distance. I haven't really talked about this, I don't want to come to terms with it. I didn't spend much time at home over winter break. I had to cut it short because of work. This was my first break where I didn't spend the entirety of it at home, working at CSG with my "family." I mean... that's what it was when I went home to work. I worked with my family there. Some of my best friends, some of my closest friends... my family. I saw them 40 hours a week at work and spent SO much of my free time with them... especially over summer. And now, I find myself calling and leaving messages with no response. I can tell there is something going on. I dunno... it's depressing. I miss my friends, but with the recent turn of events, I have come to the realization that home is here. Home is Arizona. I have to make my life out here and prepare myself for the real world. 

I've talked about the real world and getting myself set up out here, but it's really true. Financially, it makes sense to stay out here. As much as I would LOVE to find myself in Southern Cali again, it's just not in the cards for me if I want to make money and save it. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck just to live near the beach, as lovely as it would be. If SoCal's cost of living wasn't so high, you bet your ass I'd be back in a heartbeat. Not because I absolutely hate AZ, but because I just LOVE SoCal. In Arizona, everything is SO much cheaper, all the way down to gas. It just makes sense to build my accounts up here and move when I'm financially stable and then some, ya know?

I woke up this morning with the urge to write. But I think it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps a bit lost. Life post-graduation is scary to me. It's the real world. No more finals, no more classes, no more all night study sessions. It's work. All the time. Full time. Been there, done that. But it's being financially INDEPENDENT. It means getting my own health insurance, car insurance, paying the rent, paying utilities, paying for groceries - all the way down to salt and pepper, paying for EVERYTHING. Scary. I am eager to do it. I want to know what it feels like to be fully responsible for everything I have. I mean... I've become much more responsible over the years, but wow. I mean... health insurance for God's sake. I have to get my own health insurance. Jesus. And you best believe I'm gonna have like... an upgraded package. I need good dental (Mom would be proud).

Blahhhhh I dunno. I think I just wanted to type some crap out cuz I'm too lazy to write in my journal right now. Whatever. Sorry.