5am: Wake up
6am: Leave for work
6am-6:45am: Blast music in the car - Playlists including Alanis Morrisette, Fiona Apple, Barry White, Train, DMB, and classic romance songs from Etta James, Louis Armstrong, and of course Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole. I've taken a particular liking to Billie Holiday's "I'll be seeing you" lately.
6:45am: Arrive to work, clock in, gather my shit at the Front Desk and start working.
3-3:30pm: Clock out and drive home.
3-4:00pm: Try to stay awake while driving home.
4:00pm: Arrive home, take Leroi potty, make a snack, sit on the balcony with Leroi, read and listen to the wind in the trees; sometimes accompanied by a glass of wine.
5-9pm: If I have enough energy, take Leroi on a nice walk. Or, watch HGTV until I fall asleep. Then wake up, make something for dinner, and wait for Andrew to get home if he's still at work.
10-11:30pm: Go to bed.
This is my routine, to the tee, without fault. I wake up every morning telling myself I will go work out. By the time I get home, I am so achy, so exhausted, and so drained from everything that goes on at work, work that which people think isn't demanding at all, that I just can't bring myself to do anything that is GOOD for me at the end of the day. So, I decided that I will wake up early every morning, as if I don't already, so I can go to the gym in my community's club house. I'm thinking 4am wake up to be working out by 4:15am so I can get at least 45 minutes of cardio/strength training in to start the day off. I wish I had someone to play tennis with... I would be sooo much more motivated to go out after work if I could go hit some balls. Do you know how much aggression and anxiety and mental cloudiness I could get rid of if I could just play a doubles match where I just dominate the net and volley and overhead into people's faces? Don't worry, I don't have issues or anything........
This post is turning into mumble jumble.... so be it.
I've been reading Eat Pray Love recently after taking myself to go see the movie. I love seeing matinee shows by myself. It's so liberating. I take myself out to lunch before or after. My fave lunch spot has been Mimi's for the fabulous Cobb Salad and Buttermilk Spice Muffin. Dear God, it's sinfully good. People think I'm nuts for seeing a movie by myself and taking myself out to lunch. But I promise you, I love it. People may think I'm a total loner and I've gotten a couple of sympathy comments from others as if they pity me and my lonesome. Truth is, I get to escape for a few hours to be alone. By myself. On my own. I get to enjoy someone's fictional stories for my own entertainment to relieve me of my non-fictional life. Sometimes, you just need a temporary absence.
I've been trying to come up with things to help spark my creative side, too. I've recently talked about stationery and creativity and such things with one of my managers at work. She kind of inspires me because we get along pretty well in my opinion. I think she gets my corky side. When I'm at work, I'm a freakin' goon. Seriously. I say things I never say at home... just cornball things. We talk about random stuff at work. I think I do it subconsciously because I'm either bored, frustrated, pissed, annoyed, tired, unamused, feeling entitled to a friggin' break, and certainly not entertained by everyone's complaints. It's not like I'm a major goober all the time, I think I just need an escape. I'm big on the "escape" things. That's when I let my imagination wander; it's when I let myself fall asleep face down on my bed after work and think of elaborate vacations of finding antique furniture and pictures and gathering inspirations for designs and themes for events and stationery suites. Escape is when I can close my eyes and imagine myself drinking a glass of wine seaside on the French Riviera. I miss Europe so much, by the way. Ever since the movie and now the book, I definitely see myself in Liz Gilbert's shoes, craving a retreat in other countries trying to find herself; define herself. Not that I don't know who I am, but I'm trying to find a balance between being who I want to be and doing what I want to do and doing what I genuinely dislike and being someone I genuinely dislike. I want to be someone who takes care of herself and takes pride in herself. I want to be someone who doesn't come home grumpy and tired from a lousy day at work. I don't want to give my job and co-workers the best of me and have Andrew and Leroi and my friends and family get the worst of me. That's not how it should be. I need to find balance. I need to be the best employee and be the best girlfriend, best doggy mom, best sister, best daughter, best friend. Granted, everyone has slip-ups in the "best department," but I don't want to be the dodgey chick anymore.
Maybe everyone goes through this in life. Maybe this happens all the time. Maybe things never feel good enough to some people. Who knows? We all go through phases. Phases of wanting to be single, phases of wanting to be married, phases of never having children, to phases of wanting 5 kids. Phases of wearing black, and phases of wearing white non-marital dresses. I go through "way to go, Lo!" phases to "what the (blank) are doing to yourself? Can you please have a little bit more respect and love for yourself?" Jesus.
This post is a bit deeper than I had really intended. It definitely turned into mumble jumble. Sometimes, I need a little mumble jumble to get myself back to normal.
It's Saturday, August 28th, approximately 11:08am. Yes, I am at work and yes, I am blogging. It's slow. Reeeeaaaalllllyyyyy slow. And I've already done everything on my check list which is so very typical of me, even on a ridiculously busy day. I am leaving in about an hour to go home and pack for the family NYC trip. My flight leaves tonight at 7:55pm to arrive at LAX at 9:20pm. Tomorrow morning, our flight leaves at 8:30am to go to NYC until September 4th, when I will return to Denver to start work the very next day. Oh, and did I mention I am turning 24 on Monday? Yep. 24 years old. Me. 24. Me at 24. Wow.
I would like to mention that I am VERY grateful for everything I have in this life. I LOVE my family, LOVE my friends, LOVE my boyfriend, LOVE my Leroi Brown. I am just trying to find a more peaceful balance... a balanced balance if you will.
Anyway, I'm signing off for now. I think I've said enough. I still have SO many posts to blog about. And I'll get to them. Eventually. For now, I'm going to get excited about seeing my family and spending a whole week having a blast with them in NYC. Talk about a great escape!
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