The Child Is Gone

So, I'm 23. I'm not old, I'm not too young. However, I suddenly feel this overwhelming realization that I am an adult. Sounds stupid, but I feel like I'm losing the child in me. I have been an imaginative, daydreaming fool ever since I can remember. But now, I feel like I'm losing that. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It's time to really prioritize and grow up in life. Maybe it's because I have taken on more responsibility, not just financially, but personally. I don't know, it's just the way I feel.

There is an emptiness now, a vacancy that I don't recognize and don't want to deal with, but I just think it's maturation, age, responsibility, need and want all at once. Do I make any sense? It's so hard to put this into words. It's like, I feel like I am rejecting a part of me that has always been there. It's like having a leg or arm and just not using it anymore. I feel handicapped and wounded. Is this normal?

I remember going to a psychologist around the age of 19 to help deal with a lot of the issues I was facing at that time... basically just coming into my own and trying to figure myself out and conquering my fears by means of a neutral adult. He told me that a lot of what I was dealing with at the time was absolutely normal for a person of 19-21 years of age. I don't know if he said that to make me feel better or if it's true. He basically said that I was a normal teen. Well, that time has passed so is this normal now?

I feel a dyer need for darkness, a bottle of wine and a hot bubble bath. Maybe some black nail polish. That won't make anything better, I know. It just sounds nice. But, I look at it this way, what if Peter Pan had to leave Never Never Land to grow up. He wouldn't be able to be a little boy and always have fun anymore, would he? I kind of feel that way. I don't mean to use a fictional character, but Peter is the epitome of childhood. I'm not a child, don't think of me as base. I just know that there's no going back.

Instead of drawing out floor plans of my dream house, cutting out pictures of home and garden magazines of furniture, accessories and so forth to place in my dream house, planning things in my future that are not certain or even near and even impossible without a job or etc... it's a part of my daydreaming that has to go. I rely on such things for happy thoughts; temporary escapes from reality. Everyone needs something to look forward to in order to deal with typical, life things. I just think it's too excessive for me.

I really need to focus on school, finances, personal responsibility, taking care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and even materialistically. To do those things, I need to tame the pictures and images of my dream world. Like I said, I do not know if I am making any sense of any sort. I just know that I feel weakened by my very situations in life.

I have noticed changes about myself. Like, how I crash around 10pm. I don't like going to clubs or drinking myself into oblivion... even though it sometimes happens unwillingly. I worry a lot more now. I have lower self esteem and confidence. I am more critical of myself now. It's weird. I don't have as many friends or a sense of comradeship anymore. It's harder for me to make friends now... and harder to find quality friends. I'm not as social anymore. I have higher expectations, which is nice, but I feel it hinders me sometimes. Oh, life.

I just feel like the thing I never wanted has finally and inevitably hit me... growing up.